[she][him] when she saw him for the first few times, she probably was taken back at the look in his eyes. his hair. his smile. his eagerness. she would notice all of his friends following him to the lunch table... then she would silently finish the half of her lunch that she could bare to hold down and push through the heavy lunchroom doors, past the security guard, into the bathroom. she would look into the mirror. fix her skirt. smile. listen to voices, wondering if each one was his... [i][he] wondering if the girls coming into my bathroom toward the end of the break noticed that i was just standing there, twirling my hair and re-applying my vanilla lips.... and the warm early summer day when i was playing my guitar and i could barely strum, and he came up to me and played nirvana, and i didn't stand up. i was so nervous. he went on... and then it was junior prom and i found myself best friends again with a girl i was practically sisters with half a decade before that... [you][me] and i saw you that week and prom pictures were at your house and your house was like mine, but backwards, and our mothers were talking and your mother put my dog to sleep and i think she is beautiful. your mother had the same dishes and i got to know you and it was my birthday. i was so happy to be seventeen. i didn't smoke and all of you did and i had never had a boyfriend. there were no kisses. never tongue. i was so full of life because i was empty in love. i was so in love with you and you had no idea that i was even there. i would have done anything...

and later, we would ride in your car and talk about love and sing songs of punk bands and emo lover bands, and we would watch movies late night and i would always buy you candy. i would wish that you would never want me to leave you and i never wanted to grow old and here i am. and there came the night that it was time for me to leave you forever and it was the get up kids show and the anniversary played and it was so big and you were dating sara and i cried so hard. i cried and cried and the music got louder and they played 'valentine' and i saw you turn around and look my way and then you grabbed sara and hugged her and kissed her and i died again. i died. i died again. the novelty was never wearing, and just when i think this is all passed, you haunt me more... and then there was when i went insane and california was too far, and i missed you and you missed me. finally. why is every dashboard song about us? why do you make me so fucking innocent and hungry? do you see the struggle? i feel if you saw me right now you would run so far and it's because i know you. i know you so much better than everyone else and i don't care if you live with geoff. i don't care if he knows you so well. brad, you know i am always here for you and it seems that is never going to be enough. why can't i just die when i feel like this? why do i just play 'shirts and gloves' over and over? 2min 50sec like our relationship. i'm hoping time will pass... and you told me that when we were thirty and we were single, we would be together forever. why wait? there is no one for us. we will be lonely forever. please, make it 'we'. not 'i' or 'you'. but you know, if it is 'you' then i will drop my life and give you everything and i will drink your tears and hold your hands and rub your tired feet every night and i will give you light and action and excitement and i promise you friendship forever. that is all i ever wanted. "i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. seems our day keeps falling on a leap year..."