and i'm writing this because there is constant motion inside of me. it doesn't go well with liquor. it can't mix well with coke. there's constant repulsion running against my grain. i'm sinking into fantasy- i thought it would lead me out of this darkness, but i'm finding it all out to be a lie. when i want to be in love, i am tortured. when i am blessing or giving, i'm haunted by you... and so this sickness ensues. in me- more pain. i'll give up all of my organs. start with my stomach. punch lights through my chest- here comes my heart. wanted to be held. i want to be held like love. a passionate lover by my side- strange warm bed. warm back. cool hands. combustable me. here i go. relapse! collapse. repeating this- i'm weak, so i'll keep it here, repeating it and it's safe. i feel so safe all of a sudden. what a rush. solomn, my name is solomn. this calling has taken over my previous lusts and thrown me into the bathtub, poured water over my head and now has granted me pardon.