it was a moment in which i wished i was more 'there'. therer. haha. not just that moment, but at any time i am performing a sexual act i want to be in it. totally submersed. i think i became that towards the end. i just don't like blowing my cover by rambling like a blonde sorority chick. i don't know why i do that sometimes. maybe it was the drugs. and the alcohol. and the anticipation. should have kept it at anticipation. don't get me wrong, there are things i wanted- i craved about it that i could not have received from mere waiting. like- his smell. the way it feels when he FIRST RIGHT THEN NO EXCEPTIONS FIRST FIRST TOUCH touches me. when our faces first mesh. and his lips linger. young lips linger. different than that of tom's old lips. old, tired, drunken lips. these lips feel new, like a dip into the pool at the first of the summer. and i am intoxicated immediately. i didn't need the alcohol. or the drugs. although they kept me awake. if i am searching for intoxication when i see him, i should already know that it's right there in the bed. and when i see him, he meets my match. always. usually. tonite... tonite is something different. like i said, i should have kept it at, 'hello'. he's beautiful. and strong and quick and many things, but now see, the moment is over and i fell asleep- breathless- from the sex, and now i am awake and i'm just rethinking it all and i'd really like to seduce him. not just make him spurt semen. really seduce- beyond sex, because i am soon finding it is not sex i am looking for in people anymore. it's attraction. it's mutual satisfaction in the heartbrainsoul area. this stuff tonite, well it was just a way to kill an hour, and i think i am such a romantic these days that there could have been more kissing.

or there could have been a girl.