withdrawal: this is my second day. my body bleeds, broken. there's this constant burning in my legs and stomach and back and lungs, my cheeks. there is longing which dries my eyes to powder. powder. it's a pain that makes my body dry and unmendable. i'm torn to pieces when i see my money. can't look at it too long. turns into possibility. turns into passion. takes over me and i turn off my phone, hide my wallet, and drink a glass of alka seltzer. i usually hate the stuff, but tonite it goes down smooth, offering a chance at normality and strength for my weak senses. never again. over and over in my head: "never again". my heart and my ears connect, relating to stories and songs and pictures, trying to compete with the battle going on inside me. the food takes forever to reach my lips, and when it does, it is cold and damp. no longer satisfying to my tongue. it goes towards my stomach and heaves right back up. then chills up my spine and into my skin, to my fingertips. this is worse than heartbreak. this is worse than burning money. this is my silent death and i am hoping to be spared by the judge who is taking my case at the altar. shy and quiet and disoriented, that is me. all of the air in paradise couldn't relinquish my aching need to breath fresh life at this moment. i will remember this moment and pocket my 70 bucks next time the phone rings. it's just not worth this.

48 fucking hours ago, this was all a lie.