everywhere he's going yeah here i am and i dream about going to all those places

there is paris in my dream and stuck up boy and girl. yeah they are there.

going through space through time and the older ones once friendly now reign superior.

i'm working real hard lately and i'll be working harder until i finally just die.

things i would enjoy doing in life if i wasn't always tied down to work, and then to paying bills, and then to paying my father off for school, and then to making up for the mistakes i have made with my family. i am never good enough:

1. i wish i could go to raleigh and ride my bike.

2. i want to move out. oh i wish i had an apartment.

3. i wish i could go running.

4. i wish there was some kind of romance.

5. i wish i was still in california.

6. i wish i wasn't going out of my mind.

7. i wish i could laugh.

8. i wish my circumstances were anything other than what they are.

9. i wish i was sleeping, warm in a coffin.

10. i wish whip-it highs lasted more than 45 seconds.

11. i wish i looked better naked.

12. i wish i wasn't ocd about everything.

13. i wish i could cry and feel normal.

14. i wish i wasn't writing this at all

i wish for a thousand dollars. i wish for a friend to go out with tonight. i wish for two zits on my chin to disappear. i wish for acceptance at some point in my life. i wish that i wasn't adopted. i wish i had a brother. i wish my parents still went to church every week and dressed up like they used to. i wish my father wasn't so fucking awkward. i wish i could go to london right now. i wish for a new reason for life. i wish for a genie. if i had three wishes, i would wish for: a smaller body, a sweeter appeal, and a greater outlook on life.

i wish for things to go away: my sicknesses. i wish i wasn't so sick in the head. i wish i wasn't here. i wish i had me for a lover. i would so love myself more than i have ever been loved.

i wish hugs lasted forever. i wish you could kill people and get away with it. i wish you could tell the shrink you were suicidal without having to actually be locked up in a mental institution. i wish i could tell my doctor that i feel i should be locked up, but don't want to because i am afraid of other paranoias and fears and disorders that might come up if i am there for too long. i wish i wasn't so fucking addicted to cocaine. i wish i was valuable. i wish i was wanted. i wish i was needed even. i wish i had answers to questions everyone else was asking. i wish i could buy people things they couldn't afford. i wish i wasn't sexual. i wish i could smile. i wish i could laugh. i wish i could speak. i wish i could believe in wishing. i wish i trusted the world. i wish i didn't have feelings. i wish i was a cat. i wish i could disassociate with every fucking thing ever placed before me. i wish i was locked up so i wouldn't be held responsible for all these things i always fail at. i wish people listened to me. i wish i wasn't crying all the time. i wish the war in iraq and every fucking where else was over. i wish no one else would die who didn't really want to die. i wish the radio never had commercials. i wish chet baker married me before he died. i wish i was a junkie. i wish for this to all be gone in the morning. i wish i was at the coffee shop right now, smiling with the other people. and smoking. i wish i wasn't so sober. i wish i could be better off in the long run. i wish my room wasn't a mess. i wish i could hurt people by looking at them too long. i wish my heart was cut out of me and placed on a plate in front of my mother and father. i wish i wasn't such a fucking whore. i wish i wasn't a reject. i wish i could call adrienne frank and talk to her decently without her having a stuck up christian outlook on everything mentioned. i wish i had one more battery for my camera. i wish i was kenneth anger. i wish i could come across as intruiging. i wish i wasn't so lonely. i wish that when i write stuff like this on the internet that it doesn't fuck up people's perspectives on who i really am. i wish i had already brushed my teeth because now i feel really dirty and having clean teeth would make my life that much better.