it's time to close this book. time for the denial to choke me while i stare out the window at you and you and you... despair. i'm never going to find the crystal or the atmosphere. the ending and the persual seem so far away, and honestly i don't plan on sweating it out for the struggle. so here i am, and i guess there is about 23 percent left of me. i am ripped out and open and i am hidden in the closet of the 3rd bedroom of my parent's house, and i'm on my back, eyes closed, mouth open, drying out, and tired. plug in headphones, and i sink into the carpet. i don't mind the casual sting of electricity. they are old. so am i. 22%, 21%... like a fucking video game.

i don't want to say goodbye to anyone, because i am a fool and i will never die and it sucks. if i could, i would take all of the pills in my mother's drawer, i would clog my ears with cement, staple those purple lips shut, clear my eyes with turpintine.

somebody measure me. if the coffin is too short, i will be so sad. too thin. too tall. well, too tall. sure. i go for that.

i don't want to be known as the girl who likes sex. i don't want to be known as the chubby scenester who coughs up semen to get attention. i am not meant to be this lonely. am i? stop calling me and asking for your damned liquor. i hope you choke on it and die. there are all these nontruths floating around, and no one takes anything seriously. i've got enough medicine for myself, and that is all i would ever offer.

lock those doors, lock those doors. shift the head back and sink it in. deeper. deeper, the knife wears thin and i can hear the crisp bottle opening effect on the shell of my spine. scrrrraattttchhh.

FUCK ME FUCK ME I AM THROUGH WITH ALL OF THIS> THIS IS ANGER. LIKE A TERRIBLE TEENAGER> I AM NOT A CHILD. I AM NOT A CHILD.

hold me. please.

this is too emo. this is too tototototototootoototoo fuck you. fuck you and you and you. fuck you .,

I DON'T MIND EMO. I DON'T MIND SCREAMING. I DON'T MIND ANY OF IT and i certainly don't mind you because it is of no use to me.

thank you.