it's thundering outside, really loud but really soft. the sun is out so bright, but the shadows from the trees make the coming storm so obvious. should i use this as a message to myself? the saddest things have happened recently, and i've felt really good about it all-- just not actually. smiling. lots of smiles. sex. no sex, just sexual feelings. there has been more drinking lately of martinis. the sadness becomes apparent to me as i clear out the memory in my phone which keeps a list of numbers i dialed and that called me. anyway, i realize that the first number, the most recent, is my father's cell phone. always the cell. always gone. always. i called him crying at 2:18 pm today because i felt bad for lying to him. it hurts me to think how shallow i am sometimes [all the time]. it must be a vitamin deficiency. i told him last night that i accomplished these goals i had not and i did this because of certain reasons... that is to say that i felt he deserved it because of a way he had treated me a way he had dialogue with me... moving on to the next number [my god, this thunder is ill. it seriously won't stop, and the sun is pounding extremety]./ the next number is matt ramey. that was somewhat of an over/underestimated call. i wish i was shopping with him right now. then, brad's phone. i called him last night wanting high school again. i wanted pleasure from ignorance. good thing i didn't receive it. then, there is daddy's cell. always the cell. you are home, father. stay home. not for long. go back to london. goodbye. whatever. i called colin back and we talked for a while about things. we don't just talk about sex. he asked me to tell him some hidden truths about myself and i did. [that can't be thunder. it must be al queda. wtf is going on today? so sunny, yet so rumbly out?] i called christy, archie's girl, last night to hang out. i got really drunk and lonely and wanted to die... i called skinny mike in the bathroom at king's. i wanted his comfort i think. he seemed 'prepared'. i was just drunk. never mind anything i ever do or say or write, please. this is all nonsence, and i want nothing to do with anything. another call--- it seems to my newfound surprise that i accidentally called josh in chapel hill while out last night. haha. . this is the very reason i am clearing these numbers. i constantly accidentally call people when i am drunk and the phone is in my cramped purse and my arms do all the talking, so the buttons are pressed... that was at 2:02 a.m. hahahha awesome. ok. 5:17 a.m. i called my voice mail. i don't recall this at all. who knows. i was stoned and manipulated and cursed and beyond breathtaking at that moment this morning. ciara. 12:35 p.m. today. i had missed her call and was calling her back. fuck band practice. 2:18 p.m. secret. i don't want to be sad anymore, and i explain all of this to myself that it is all out of lonliness. i am constantly surrounded by masses and friends and loves and i am the lonliest girl right now. this can't be trivialized anymore because i have beaten it to a fucking pulp. somebody, marry me. i need a marraige. i need sacrifice... they are home. i will stop typing now. they don't know how lonely i am. they never listen. i am twenty one now, they say. get over it. you are no longer a child. this is life. everyone is the lonliest. you are so selfish. blah blah blah. time to lock my bedroom door for the remainder of the day.